Gangster Corporate Contract for Takeover of Detroit

by Thomas Stephens

Wall Street, corporate Republicans and Democrats and the lawyers that serve them have structured a contract that guarantees “a realigned, restructured, pillaged, decapitated and misruled” Detroit. The document, newly revealed in these pages, is a template for subjugation of urban America.


Gangster Corporate Contract for Takeover of Detroit

by Thomas Stephens







(under new management)








 CONTRACT NO. 2014 - 1000000X1967FU-BAR







Subject to applicable EMF Order No. 1050-hr applying Cost Control Futility Underestimation (CCFU) Enhanced Maximization Factors (EMFs)


THIS PROFESSIONAL AUSTERITY SERVICES CONTRACT is entered into by and between the City of Detroit, a realigned, restructured, pillaged, decapitated, misruled, and accumulated-by-dispossession Michigan municipal corporation, acting by and through JONES DAY (“City”), and Turnaround, Bendover & Coff, EMFs, a data-driven best practices-Certified Larceny Optimization Austerity Consultant Association (“CLOACA”), with its principal place of business located at 1101 Vermont Ave. N.W., 11th Floor Washington, D.C. 20005 (C/O American Legislative Exchange Council – ALEC) ("Contractor").




WHEREAS, the City desires to engage CLOACA to further restructure, discharge, privatize, loot, pillage, ransack and otherwise realign its commons, public property, civic assets, government operations, political character and social aspirations, because this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody’s part2[2] and besides it’s incredibly lucrative as set forth in this Contract; and


WHEREAS, the City in engaging the CLOACA desires to provide for the privatized, insanely profitable, and grotesquely inefficient performance - for the elimination of doubt, to exclusively benefit its realigned and restructured prime foundational constituencies - as envisioned by Friedrich Hayek, Milton Friedman and Ayn Rand on a crystal meth & crack cocktail, of the following designated EMF Services:


·     Collecting and distributing kickbacks (“EMF licensing royalty residual fees”) from the giveaway of $450 million in taxpayer funds, and 39 parcels of city-owned real estate in the heart of the downtown development corridor to billionaire pizza mogul Mike Ilitch for $1, for a new NHL hockey arena and associated Ilitchville downtown development district;


·     Catering the ultra-exclusive Rick Snyder/L. Brooks Patterson Blankets and Corn White Totalitarians Festival (WTF) in Belle Isle State Park, on the first anniversary of EMF Kevyn Orr’s appointment in March 2014;3[3]


·      Detroit Water and Sewerage Department “optimization” of procurement and implementation of outsourcing functions to coordinate requirements from job and business process designs with IT master plan and systems implementation4[4]


·      Nut-cutting and Jones Day share appropriation management consulting operations from the $370 million foundations’ contribution, $100 million DIA extortion payment, and $350 million state government promise Slave Labor Urbanist Stephen Henderson (SLUSH) Fund Public PiratePrivate Partnership end, minus Chief Judge Rosen’s cut;


·     Appropriating Defined Benefit retirement plan elimination bonus for Manager Kevyn’s Upper-Level Theoretical Retirement Assets (MKULTRA) for distribution to Jones Day & cronies;


·     Keeping the ni negr nativesUrban Citizens With Easily Severed Capital, Real Estate & Water Detroit Emergency Managees (UCWESCREWDEM) down;


·     Coordinating Operation Afro-Dilution Detroit (“Urban RenewalNegro Removal Phase II”);5[5]


·     Transforming a Wall Street banking crisis into a social state governance crisis, and then into an urban and a social human rights crisis and a crisis of survival for Detroit;


·     Disseminating responses to adverse media story lines for comprehensive perception management of mind control impact in corporate “news” propaganda, including:

o   “After EMFs destroyed Detroit Public Schools what makes you think they’ll help Detroit?” stories;

o   “No wonder Detroit is broke!” stories;

o   “This will not do anything to benefit Detroit” stories;

o   “This is like having no retirement fund at all” stories;

o   “These are the two faces of austerity” stories;

o   “What Kevyn Orr calls ‘the rule of reason’ isn’t reasonable, and isn’t even really a rule” stories;

o   “The so-called Consent Agreement’ was like saying ‘either apply these leeches to yourself or let a bankruptcy lawyer do it” stories;

o   “Zen of emergency management throat-cutting references” stories;

o   “Dumb, lazy, happy and rich” stories;

o   “Isn’t this like the lemmings movie?” stories;

o   “Filing a Chapter 9 bankruptcy won’t help resolve Detroit’s social issues and is just a really expensive distraction while we create facts on the ground ” stories;

o   “This is some seriously F----d Up M----r F-----g S—t right here!” stories;


·      Rationalizing the payment of tens of millions of dollars in consultant fees to usstate-of-the-art restructuring professionals who don’t live in Detroit, don’t care about it, and haven’t got a clue how to revitalize it;


·      Forcing the poorest and most vulnerable Americans, including the working People of Detroit, to bear the greatest possible share of the costs (“Optimization”) of Wall Street’s crashing the global economy;


·      Giving “democracy” a bad name while covering up, denying and implementing racist structural adjustment of Detroit for profit and political juice;


·      Ghost-writing “Detroit; the Tale of Two Cities,” by Dan Gilbert; and


WHEREAS, CLOACA contracts to mercilessly oppress Detroit and its indigenous residents, divesting it of all assets and transparent and accountable governmental powers for the benefit of the people who count, as we are identified in the secret memorandum of understanding between Governor Rick Snyder, Rip Rapson of the Kresge Foundation and David Heiman of Jones Day (NOT subject to the Freedom of Information Act, fools) that replaces the City Charter; and


WHEREAS, the City’s new state-supplied Jones Day management team established under Public Act 436, the ‘Local Financial Stability and Choice’ (LOL!) Act, has selected CLOACA to perform these corporate racketeering enterprisesservices within the scope of the scamthis Contract, which is the kind of Contract that won’t be broken by the EMF; and


WHEREAS, you are hereby warned in case you’ve been asleep or fooled by corporate media and other paid liars that related services such as selective value extraction leaving rotten assets, fiscal gating of communities, decapitation of democracy, lies, scams, backroom deals, rip-offs, gouging, commons enclosures, accumulation by dispossession, NHL placebo-dependent economic ‘development,’ privatization of profits and socialization of risks, costs and burdens may WILL be provided in support of the Services by CLOACA unless and until somebody stops them;


NOW, THEREFORE, in consideration of the mutual undertakings and benefits to accrue to white some of the parties (YOU know who YOU are… See you at the Hantzland Arcadian Whiskey BordelloBistro & Wood Farm!!!), the parties agree as follows:


The individual responsible for accepting performance under this Contract is:


David Heiman

$1,050/hr Founding Partner of Corporate Restructuring Practice

Jones Day law firm

c/o 13th Floor CAYMC

Detroit, Michigan 48226


The contact person from whom payment should be requested is:


Michael Duggan


Corporate Front White Man

Kevyn Orr

Detroit EMF

13th Floor CAYMC

Detroit, Michigan 48226


Remember: When they say ‘restructuring Detroit,’

you think (and pay) ‘Turnaround, Bendover & Coff!’


Tom Stephens is a people’s lawyer living in Detroit. He can be contacted at [email protected].