Confessions of a Neo-Caucasian

by Mark P. Fancher

Human rights attorney and frequent BAR contributor Mark Fancher recently had a close encounter of the white supremacist kind. He learned that Donald Trump plans to use his awesome powers to turn a select number of Black people white – which would, of course, be HUGE!

Confessions of a Neo-Caucasian

by Mark P. Fancher

“At long last the children of Africa will have their shot at whiteness.”

What follows is the transcript of my recent conversation with “The Donald”:

Trump – Why so down in the dumps Mark? You look like you just lost your best friend.

Fancher – I’m more than a little upset about all of these people who continue to vote for you. That…and the fact that your supporters beat the crap out of me when I attended one of your rallies.

Trump – Well you are a protester Mark, and protesters get assaulted at my rallies. Everyone knows that.

Fancher – But I wasn’t protesting. I was just standing there listening, trying to figure out your appeal.

Trump – But Mark – you’re black…

Fancher – And your point is?

Trump – All black people are protesters.

Fancher – Well what about Ben Carson, and that black guy at your rally who beat up a man wearing a flag shirt? Are they protesters?

Trump – No, they’re not. They’re also not black.

Fancher – Come again.

Trump – They’re not black. They are “Neo-Caucasian.”

Fancher – I’m afraid you’re going to have to break that one down for me a little more.

Trump – Sure. After I’m elected, in addition to making the Mexicans build a big wall, I’m also going to create a new racial category that will be available to certain people of color called “Neo-Caucasian.” Carson and the gentleman at my rally are trying it on for size.

Fancher – Why would anyone with an ounce of pride be interested in such a thing?

Trump – Well, I’ll let you answer that for yourself. Tell me. What is it that’s got you so upset about all the people who are supporting me?

Fancher – Well, I’ve been thinking about it, and I believe the Trump phenomenon goes all the way back to the slave era.  Slave owners were actually a small minority. The poverty of many white workers during that period rivaled that of enslaved Africans. They were abused and called derogatory names like “white trash” and “lint heads” because they walked out of textile mills at the end of the work day covered in cotton fibers. Slave owners feared a black/white alliance and the elites persuaded poor whites that their racial identity linked them most closely with slave owners. Since that time, the hardships of white poverty have been blamed not on worker exploitation, but on job-stealing, opportunity-taking, trouble-making black people. This game of phony white privilege and scapegoating has been played for years. White progressive activists have never tried to set these confused white workers straight and now you come along and scapegoat immigrants, Muslims and anybody else it’s convenient to blame. It’s frustrating because the thousands of people who show up at your rallies are the very people who should be opposing you. You are their problem!

Trump – That’s exactly right, and the beauty is the thinking of these people is so clouded and they are so confused that even if I told them what you just told me, they wouldn’t hear it. They would still support me. I think it’s wonderful!

Fancher – Well what does that all mean for the election?

Trump – It means I’m going to win, and that brings me back to my new racial category idea.

Fancher – Oh yeah…that.

Trump – Here’s the deal Mark. As long as you’re in the African camp you’re doomed, because I promised all of these hicks and hayseeds who support me that I will get their country back for them. I don’t need to spell it out for you. That means we have to turn the page on this black president thing and make this look like a white country again. So, there’s not going to be a place for people like you.

Fancher – What exactly do you have in mind for the brothers and sisters?

Trump – Prisons. Private ones that my friends and I will own. I’m also working on a plan to get you guys back out in the fields.

Fancher – You’re right. I’m doomed.

Trump – Not necessarily. You can become a Neo-Caucasian and obtain all of the rights, privileges and honors of whiteness thereunto appertaining.

Fancher – You mean I get to be “white” without being white?

Trump – Absolutely!

Fancher – What’s in this for you?

Trump – Hey look, it’s a win-win proposition for both of us. You get to escape the hell that I intend to create for people of color in this country, and we white people get to bolster our ranks in the face of major racial demographic shifts.

Fancher – Do you think it will work?

Trump – Sure it will! We’ve been doing it for generations. There are many white ethnics descended from immigrants who were not given white privilege when they first arrived on these shores. But times change - needs change. At long last the children of Africa will have their shot at whiteness.

Fancher – My mind is spinning because of the absurdity and horror of all of this. I need a glass of water.

Trump – Don’t bother with water. Have a glass of this Kool-Ade.

Fancher – Thanks. Hey that’s pretty good Kool-Ade. I feel different too. So maybe I’ll give this Neo-Caucasian thing a try after all!

Trump – That’s the spirit! Here is some more Kool-Ade. Let’s toast to your conversion!

Fancher – Thanks! By golly, I have a sudden irresistible urge to clobber a protester!

Mark P. Fancher is an attorney who has regained his pride in his African identity after undergoing Drop Squad rehabilitation. He can be contacted at [email protected]